Moan Alert: This blog may containing moaning.
I'm stressed. And it's starting to take its tole on my body. Woken up by the baby crying this morning at 4am, once fed she went back to sleep. I, on the other hand, did not. I lay awake thinking about all that has to be done and all that's not getting done. The location I don't have, the money I don't have, the crew I don't have, the equipment I don't have, the fact that crew I've worked with before aren't returning calls and new crew aren't answering the call to aid! I became so tight and tense I thought the tendons in my neck would snap!
I've always been a one-man-band on my films. I've had to to get them made. But there just seems to be a lot more to do on this one, and for some reason people seem to be a lot less willing to get involved. Maybe it's because it's a feature film, perhaps there's more at stack, maybe people are sick of my asking for help and freebies! Seems more likely. Fair enough I suppose! I guess there comes a time when you have to start making something that pays or just hang up the gloves. Accept that I'm actually no good at this otherwise someone would have paid me by now! I fear I've reached that crossroads. Make or break... again!
Me as I'm writing this blog
Of course every film feels like make or break. I suppose this one is different because it's the first film I've made with a family in tow. Finding the time to write, make phone calls, sit down and make schedule, think about budget, organise a fundraiser... all that stuff is near impossible. Plus there's the Guilt Factor. Before I never had to worry about not eating for a day or missing the rent. I can't do that now. And I can't find any satisfactory reasons that makes it OK for me to drag my family through poverty anymore. For Art? Yeah, whatever! Art me arse!
I don't know why doing what you want has to be such a struggle? Why it has to test you and stress you and make you feel so miserable before paying off, IF it pays off. Do you think it works the other way too? What about people who just want to have a few cans and watch Eastenders of an evening, do you think they're struggling to do that, while being miserable billionaires in Bel Air?! "Why is so hard to be poor? Stupid Aston martins!"
Oh I shouldn't moan. I'm on the path I chose. I wanted to make films, no one forced me to. For me it's a vocation. A calling. I'm compelled to do this. And even in these stressful moment, when it's full of doubt and questions, there's always the knowledge that I will continue, there will be another project. Even though I'm stressing over this film and wishing everything would just click into place and wondering why the hell I'm doing this to myself, I'm still thinking "I'd love to make that werewolf movie... I wish I could get back to that script... You know what make a great film..." so it doesn't go away.
And some good people have of course stepped up, Caroline Farrell, a writer I let down a couple of years ago on a short I promised to make and never did, remains true and supportive. Colette and Darren at Calipo as always make a donation, friends in LA, Elliot, Trampas, Robert are always on hand with whatever they can muster and encouraging phone calls and emails. And of course my wonderful wife, who wouldn't let me throw in the towel no matter how much I fussed and griped.
It's all part of the process unfortunately. I guess I've gone through it to a lesser extent on all my films. I remember Emily's Song was quite a stressful process with a lot of set backs. I think we had to push the shooting back three times before we were ready to shoot. Then people kept delaying us, letting us down and pulling out at the last minute. There was a lot to deal with on that film, but we got their in the end and we had a good film after all the struggles. Hopefully the same will happen here.
Right. Better go do something constructive with my day. Not much point in sitting around here moaning!