I was definitely one of the people who lamented the passing of the Video Store, and the age of the browse. Being able to go in and wander the shelves, discover hidden gems, great bargains, long lost loves. I've come to realize that was a complete waste of my life!
While living in the States, and following the death of DVD, I mainly stuck to Amazon. I never browsed, only went to directly what I wanted, purchased it, and waited for the arrival. Which was always a nice thing. I'd usually forgotten about it and it was like opening a little gift to myself. But I still longed for the shelf.
Yesterday, while in Dublin, I popped into IFI shop and later Tower Records on Dawson street. I was instantly hit with a deep numbing boredom. As I drifted down the isles, like an unemployed Dad, in search of something, I don't know what, I had nothing in mind, I was suddenly sleepy, foggy, a haze crept over me and I had to leave lest I melt into the tiles forgotten and dissolved.
It seems those days are gone. I don't have the time or energy anymore. Even going through my 1000 DVDs that I left behind, packed in my parents attic, something I couldn't wait to rediscover, I just haven't been that bothered. They're still in the boxes, I might take them out. I'm half thinking of donating to a school or something. Whereas before I could spend the entire day taking them out, dusting them off, and rearranging them in order of Genre, which included finding seamless blends from one genre to another, going from War to Dystopian Future via Come And See - Children of Men - 1984, and so on.
It's weird. It's a part of me that changed in the last few years that I didn't even realized had done so until I was faced with it, until I walked through the door, excited, reunited, and thought, "Oh, actually, I'm not that bothered..."
I think it has to do with time, and being very aware of how precious it is. I've other things I need to do, and sadly, browsing is no longer one of those things. So RIP the Browse, you were a good friend, but life has marched on and I must say goodbye.
Saturday, May 05, 2018
As an artist, having worked in the soul-crushing, creativity-destroying and confidence-wrecking, corporate world for the last 3 and half years I've come to this simple conclusion: One of the many things I like about filmmaking (or writing, or painting) is the completion.
I start something, finish it, there's a sense of accomplishment. Not to mention the creativity, the fun, the excitement and community that springs up around any film, with the cast, crew, backers, audience, online community. And when it's complete I move on to the next project.
When I sit behind a desk working for "The Man", I'm a cog in a machine. I'm there to churn and spin. Forced to repeat myself in some mindless activity. To do the same thing over and over, so it becomes muscle memory. There's no sense of accomplishment, nothing to show, no real appreciation from anyone. Certainly no creativity or community. And here's no end in site. I could sit there till the grave if I wanted, having left no mark, having changed nothing.
And look, plenty of people find satisfaction, pride and worth in that. They have a very different perspective that I do. Sometimes I wish I could find satisfaction in it, but I don't, that's me! It's just something I've come to realize. I'm not made for it, which is why I'm leaving. I've stayed too long as it is.
I just hope the rot that's set in can be cleared out quickly, and I can get back to my real work, start some projects, finish them, put something into new and original the world.