He’s not goin away, so, I’ve decided to make friends with Doubt. I think he needs a friend. He needs someone to listen, not to his complaints, and moans, and... doubt, but to what’s really going on, to what’s behind all that. And let him know, the fear he feels, is perfectly normal, natural and can be overcome.
Doubt is that friend who is always moaning, always has a problem, who doesn’t want to go anywhere or do anything because it’s too much hassle. He’s that work colleague who sees the challenge, not as an opportunity, but as a reason not to try, or grow, or be a constructive member of the team. When you come up against people like that you want to get away from them as soon as possible. But when you’re stuck with them, it can be frustrating, even toxic over a long period. They can even make you like them, you begin to doubt, to complain, to stop being a constructive member of the team.
I’ve been infected with this way of thinking and behaving for a while now. Doubt got the upper hand for a while. However, two days ago I went for a walk with Doubt, as I often do, to take photos in the fog. He doesn’t mind doing that, that’s easy. But then I came up with an idea for a short film, something so simple, that had I had two actors with me I could have done it there and then. So I mentioned it to Doubt, and he said “No, no no no, you can’t do that, that’s going to get too complicated.” But I knew he was wrong, and for the first time in a long time I turned to Doubt and said “Doubt, Shut up!”
And you know what? He did. Then something else happened, something completely unexpected and interesting, I began to remember all these other ideas I’ve had over the last year, simple things, doable things, shoot in an iPhone in a day things. And I glared at Doubt for making me think I couldn’t do them, and he coward. But then I felt bad for him, because really, it wasn’t his fault. I was the one who listened, who decided, it was my inaction that stopped me. That’s his job I guess, and maybe he’s just trying to protect me from failing, because I’ve failed so much in my career as a filmmaker, and he knows what it does to me. But I’m not going to get anywhere if I don’t keep trying, keep failing, trying again, and maybe one day - succeeding.
Doubt’s not going anywhere, I’ve realized that, but I’ve also realized that Doubt’s not me, it’s just part of my and it’s not a part I going to let dictate what I do, or don’t do, anymore. Doubt can have a say, and I’ll listen, because I know he’s there to make sure I’m safe, but he doesn’t get the deciding vote anymore, that’s for me. And when it comes to expressing myself, and making a film I feel impassioned to make, I’m going to say “Yes” from now on.
Ain't that right, Doubt?
He’s not sure! 😆