The Far Side of the World.

Here I am. In America. The USA. The US of A. We made it. Intact. Barely. A long trip. Especially with two kids and a dog. Tiring. Stressful. Emotional. A flight into the abyss. Regretting. Doubting. Every step. Every mile. Unsure. Is this the right thing to do? Stepping so far outside our comfort zone at times it felt like being lost in cold dark space. And it's not a nice feeling. Immigrating is hard work. It may be the hardest thing I've ever done. It's tested me on every level of my being. Stripped me bare. Exposed me. Left me raw and ragged and rung out. But we're here. Still here. We made it. We came through it. And we're getting settled. Things are coming together.

It's different. Not what I thought. We've only been gone for two and a half weeks. I've been away from home on holiday for a lot longer than that. But it feels different. It feels bigger. More permanent. I never felt far away from home when I was away before. But now I feel far away. And I feel the tug. It's going to be hard work. There's a long road ahead. Work would be good. That'd be a start. As the days and weeks now go by at speed and money runs out and bills starts to come there's a violent need to find work. I would like to continue making films. I would like if film was related to that work. But is has fallen off the priority list. Survival has pressed pause on creativity.

It's interesting. In the summer before we left we got rid of the TV at home and I talked about how I suddenly had this clarity of thought. I was forming ideas far quicker. Filling my notebooks with fully formed stories and ideas for scripts that were ready to go. Since I arrived I haven't had a single idea for a story or a single thought toward those previous stories. Right now I don't see how I would or could make a film here. But I know that's temporary. I know it will come back. I know I need to do what is right and best and necessary for my family to help us survive, settle and live here.

To that end I have decided to leave behind a lot of the projects I was working on at home. Not all of them. But some I had been hanging onto for years that weren't going anywhere. I want to see what comes. When I do finally settle into my environment what that will bring. I have always found that my stories come from my environment. So I think I need to discover and understand that before I can continue.

I've decided to give Derelict away for free too. I'm fed up of getting rejections from film festivals, distributors and the Irish Film Board. Being told it's not good enough. Being told there's no audience, or no audience would like this. So the hell with all them and to hell with the traditional way to market and to hell with money. It's free. It's yours. Watch it. Share it. Like it. Hate it. It's up to you. It's out there now. In fact IT'S RIGHT HERE!

One last thing, HERE IS the last interview I did with LMFM. It was recorded the day before I left Ireland. I talk about why I chose to leave.

Thanks for reading. More soon.

Back to the Shop

One thing that will stop you from doing the work you need to do to get to where you want and need to be, is paying too much attention to what the other guy is doing. You want to get somewhere in life, you need to put your head down and work. It's all about the work. It has to be about the work, because it's the work that will stand. Not excuses, not what you meant to do. What stands in front of you and your audience is the work.

I think I worry to much about what other people do. I look at the runner ahead of me and then I lose my footing, my confidence, my stride, I wonder if there's a point. There is a point. There's always a point. But so much of it is psychological, being in the right frame of mind. Accept your strengths and weaknesses and do the best you can do. You can only do the best you can do. And the next time, after you've learned a little more, you do a little better. And in time, with experience and persistence, you may find you've got to where you wanted to be. Or, most likely, you've arrived somewhere completely different and it's better than anything you could have imagined. The runner in front is in front because he's put the leg work in. You want to get to where he is, pass him out, put the hours in.

We're humans, we're naturally nosey. We want to peak through the neighbour's curtains and see what they're up to. I mean, is there anything more thrilling than the neighbours having a blistering row?! It's better than a movie! You stop your movie to listen. Some people take it too far of course. Those people are called stalkers and they get in trouble with the law, have restraining orders and sometimes go to prison. But now, in this strange age we live in, we've all been given a free license to be stalkers. It is now socially acceptable to approach someone you may only be acquainted with and relay everything they're are doing in there lives. The first time it happened to me I was shocked, disturbed, worried. I thought, how the hell does this guy know all this about me? I hardly know him, in fact, I don't even know his name! Then is occurred to me. Facebook. I give it all away for free. I've invited them in. And then, part of you needs to feed that, to keep updating, to keep giving. In the future I think you'll find privacy in a museum along side dinosaurs.

On the flip side is the watching. Seeing what everyone is doing. For me, sometimes, if someone gets a little ahead, a little taste of success, there is jealousy. I'll admit it. There's no resentment, generally I'm happy for the person, it's more to do with disappointment in myself and that I haven't achieved that, that I'm not up there. I guess in someways it's a good thing. It's a reminder that I still want it. But it's also detrimental I think. To be bombarded with this running commentary, daily, hourly, minute to minute. I need to live my life. There is enough rejection and failure in this world for artists without having a page, or two, where you can check in daily to feel even more disappointed in yourself.

It is self fulfilling. It's no one's fault but my own. If I didn't look I wouldn't see and I wouldn't get annoyed about it. The carpenter who spends his time looking in the window of the other guy's shop, wondering why he's selling more, is missing the point. Get back to your own shop. Put your head down and carve something.