Fairly Mad

We humans are such fickle creatures, aren't we? Well, I am.

Let me tell you about the amazing things that are happening in my life at the moment, the feature I've been working on for 3 years in finally finished and premiered. Not only did it premiere but it was the Closing Night Event at the festival and received and Honourable Mention on the night. So there's that. My short film is screening this week at two film festivals in the States, the Bend Film Festival and the Harlem International Film Festival and has festivals coming up for the rest of this year and into next year. And this blog has been nominated for an Award in the National Blog Awards... so what do I have to be complaining about?!?!

Nothing is the answer to that question.

But for some reason I'm feeling slightly empty. Somewhat bereft. I just lost a project tonight, one I've been going after for a year. I almost had it earlier this year, then it fell through, then there was another chance, but there fell through too, then I thought I could kickstart it, but that fell through too... that was the last ditch effort of a desperate man. So I finally had to say goodbye and passed on it. I was really hoping I'd get the chance to do it, but maybe it wasn't my time, maybe I'm not ready yet.

So there's a painful day coming, the day I see that film on the big screen and my name's not on it. But I'll be glad to see it shine.

I think with the end of Derelict, and the project I was hoping to move onto not happening now, I feel  adrift. In a fog. I'm not sure where I'm going. I'm hoping to hit land. But I don't know if it's going to be today, tomorrow, next month or next year. Or it feels like waiting for a train in an empty station with no dot matrix, no Tannoy and no timetable. I've got no idea when the next train is coming and every minute feels like ten.

I shouldn't moan. I should enjoy the fact that I've nothing to do. While the things I've done are off doing things. But I would much rather be doing things too. Writing. Creating. Drawing. Casting... even, dare I say it, fundraising! Experiencing the thrill of a new project.

There are a couple of ideas, three in fact, none of them are fully developed, but they're ideas I like and would be happy to move onto. But things are in limbo at the moment too. You see I got me green card. So my wife and I are moving to the states in the next 6 to 8 months.

Maybe that's why I'm feeling a bit anxious. I feel like I can't start anything new, or if I do, I can't complete it here. I'll have to leave. Although I guess have-gun-will-travel. I can write and develop anywhere and if I absolutely have to shoot in Ireland I can always come back for a couple of months.

Though I do find that my environment tends to inform the films I make. I'm often inspired, or effected, by my physical surroundings. So maybe I'll get to the states and a new idea, something I never imagined, will land in my head, as has always happened, and that will be my next film.

So maybe I should hold off. Wait. Do nothing. See what comes.

I don't know though. I'm not happy unless I've got a project.

Anyway, I shouldn't write blogs this late at night. It's the mulling hour. I should either be lying in bed thinking about it, not sleeping, or jotting it down in a private journal. But as I've said in the past, it's all part of the journey.

I might announce a new film in the next week or so. It'll be another feature film and it'll be bigger than Derelict, I know that. How much bigger? I'm not sure yet. These three vary. Just comes down to how mad am I?

Fairly mad.